Artistic Freedom

I think i’m starting to have anxiety issues…

There are very few people in this world I respect. Lots of the people i know seem to be selfish with no consideration for others. I hate seeing people I care about hurt and feeling powerless to do anything about it cause even when i try to create change nothing happens.
I hate always being there for people and feeling like i’m still not good enough for them. I hate this lie people tell themselves that people need to prove themselves to be worth their time.
I hate that i have to recognize my own faults and apologize for them and others can’t do the same.
Is my best really not good enough for some people? I thought people wanted someone that they can laugh with and who cares about them and apologizes for their mistakes. What more can i give?
I’m tired of seeing bad things happen to good people and seeing good things happen to bad people.
I’m tired of hiding behind my optimism that people can be better than they are when they ALWAYS prove me wrong.
I need a break…I need to surround myself with the good people in my life and help them and let go of everything else. I’m tired of wasting my time on people who don’t value me or prove to me i’m not good enough for them.

All this and I can’t escape the anxious feeling in my chest. I have so much i have to deal with and it just feels like too much.

I didn’t want this feeling to go away =/

Im just really tired of trying to make my life better and ending up at square one every time that I do.

Come on world. Give me a chance. Everytime you don’t I feel like this awful fucking person who doesn’t deserve anything.

My Brain: Yo Bro you should totally play Dark Souls that sounds fun and not frustratingat all.

FUCK YOU BRAIN

I need to stop idealizing you XD.

In my mind you will always be perfect. I can list 1000 reasons why and not a single reason why you are not. I know this means yet i refuse to accept it.

It makes me realize though why I pretend to find relationships gross. It’s because you are the only person that makes all the worry and the bother worth while. All the trouble seems untroubling. You are the only person that I would put so much effort into because you are worth it.

I really wish I didn’t feel this way.

I swear, if we are ever in the same spot in our lives. I will move mountains for us to be together. I try my hardest to try to replace you, but you have set an unfairly high bar and every time we talk is a reminder where that bar is. It almost sucks to talk because its a painful reminder that the only thing keeping us apart was the distance.

I need closure badly. I can’t keep going through this. 

Sometimes its when we look something right in the eyes when we see that its exactly what we want. We see a future for ourselves that we wouldn’t replace with anything. Sometimes we see ourselves keep what we want at arms length, and nobody else can see it but we feel our hearts break.

Slowly we watch that future die, along with the person that wanted that future. We become something else entirely, forever changed by that moment when time stopped. You cant help but want to re capture that moment, that single second where everything made sense. Everything came together in a single moment, and just as fast as it came together it fell apart.

Your life becomes a series of flashbacks to when it wasn’t falling apart. Pathetically you hold on to what hope you can grasp, because grasping at straws is better then grasping at air.